This is the 21st century. There are so many more
factors and issues that add stress to relationships.
There are more demands on time, higher expectations,
more toys and gadgets, high-stress careers or
profession. Each member of a family needs
more space, more independence and more freedom
Patience, perseverance, tolerance, convenience and
self-sacrifice kept relationships together in the past
centuries. There was a strong sense of family and
community. Domestic squabbles were kept private.
Families work on their issues and try to resolve
these as best as they can. Going separate ways
was not an answer even if it was the only answer.
Life was simpler. There was more time to spend with
family and friends.
Today, people are more aware and protective of their
space, independence and privacy. People want more.
Technology is very much part of life today. There
are pros and cons. This is supposed to provide
more convenience to our daily lives. Little did we
know that a technology driven society develops an
addiction to the toys and gizmos that consume
a lot of time. Most everyone today need to be
wired, including the younger ones. It’s part
of the wardrobe.
High maintenance lifestyle is mainly geared to the
material and physical side. This contributes to the
fragility of relationships. Add to this the perennial
shortage of time, there are never not enough hours
in the day. With so much materialism in our society,
financial and economic issues become a burden
some face with blinders on till a crisis topples
their tower.
Raising children today seems to get more and more
complicated. There is so much to want, to do, to have
even when resources are limited. These young ones
are more demanding. With the advent of technology,
so much information is available at a very young age.
This younger generation of technologically smart children
have a good grasp on how to use this technology. They are
indeed better informed than the previous generation
at the same age.
Downside to this is that young children develop a
strong sense of independence when they should be
enjoying the warmth and comfort of a loving hand,
holding them, re-assuring them and protecting them.
They are growing up too fast, mature too soon and
miss out on the simplicity, joy and innocence of
childhood years. They spend too much time
in the electronic playground.
Family relationships have its own complications and
intricacies. Some children go their own way leaving
their parents behind and at times, neglected and
forgotten. Or the other way- parents give up on
their offspring.
Siblings go in different directions, separated
by distance or financial and social status, or even by
beliefs. They become strangers to one another.
This is sad. There is a common bond between
siblings that is their birth- right which can not
or should not be broken.
Families forget that it is not that difficult to stay
connected if we only take a few minutes to take
the time to drop a line or to call. Time is a welcome
gift especially during special days- just a few precious
minutes can fill the void. If shared more often, this
strengthens the relationship and family members
will no longer be strangers to one another.
Family is supposed to provide a solid base for society.
But, the reality is that it is less complicated to cement
ties with friends than with one’s own blood relatives.
Bonnie Moss writes to inspire and to motivate
her readers to explore the depths of their heart and
soul and make a difference in this world. She draws
from personal experience and her interest in the New Age
Visit her website =>http://goldencupcafe.tripod.com
Tags: family bonding, raising children today, stress families have to deal withfamily bonding, raising children today, stress families have to deal withShare This
Finally, after all of the hard work you have done completing your past, here is a way to break your relationship pattern.
Relationship choices are often based on patterns created in our childhood. These patterns are automatic and subliminal. We believe ours is the way relationships ought to be.
There is no problem having a pattern that leads you to loving, satisfying, long-term relationships. However, many people have patterns that cause them nothing but the heartache of unsuccessful relationships.
There is a way out, a way for you to be free of your particular pattern and to be free to make your relationship choices based on what you need and want. The best way is to understand where your relationship pattern comes from. Then you can consciously choose what works for you and what doesn’t, what you want to continue and what you want to stop, and how you want your next relationship to be.
Below is a powerful exercise. In doing this exercise, you will discover information about your relationships and yourself. Knowledge of yourself is freedom to choose, freedom to act differently, freedom to have what you want.
Pattern Tracker©
Section 1. Instructions: Answer the following question for all of your significant past relationships. Significant means you had or still have strong feelings about the person. Go backwards in your history, starting with the most recent relationship. Write down your answers.
- What hurtful things did your partner do in your last relationship?
- What hurtful things did your partner do in the relationship before that?
- What about the relationship before that?
Section 2. Instructions: Answer the following questions and write down your answers.
- What hurtful things did your parent of the opposite sex do to his/her partner?
- What hurtful things did your parent of the same sex do to his/her partner?
- What hurtful things did your parent of the opposite sex do to you?
- What hurtful things did your parent of the same sex do to you?
Section 3. Instructions: You will need to refer to your responses from the previous two sections. To make answering the following questions easier, you may want to copy out those responses. Write down your answers.
- What are the similarities between the hurtful behaviors of your parents and your past partners?
- Are the behaviors opposite?
Section 4. Instructions: Answer the following questions, writing down your answers.
- Your parents’ relationship with each other and with you is the basis for your relationship pattern. What kinds of pattern were you programmed to have in your intimate relationship?
- Are you repeating your parents’ relationship pattern in your own relationships?
- Are you reacting to your parents’ relationship by doing the opposite of their pattern?
Example: (Names and details changed to preserve privacy)
When my client Sonya did this exercise, she filled out Section 1 by listing all three of her significant relationship partners as unavailable and uninterested. Her most recent partner, Jeff, lives in New York, while she lives in Boston. He was barely making time for her. They were only seeing each other once a month and even then he would find reasons to be away from her. He was very argumentative and would never be the one to say he was sorry.
Her previous partner, Ronald, simply did not want to continue in their relationship. Every time something would go wrong, he would back away a little bit more until there was no longer a relationship. Sonya wrote down that Ronald was unavailable because he was unable to be emotionally close. He was also uninterested — he did eventually walk away from the relationship. This man was not argumentative, instead avoiding arguments at all cost.
Sonya’s very first significant partner, Rob, was the love of her life. They loved each other deeply, but even that did not keep them together or prevent him from doing hurtful things. As the relationship progressed he started to withdraw more and more. Eventually he lost interest in her physically. They tried to work it out, but he would shy away from confrontation and nothing ever got resolved.
Here is Sonya’s Section 1:
- Jeff was unavailable, uninterested and argumentative.
- Ronald was unavailable and uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
- Rob was withdrawn, uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
Sonya had to think hard about Section 2. She did not want to blame her parents or make them look bad. But as she thought about their relationship with each other and with her, she began to see some patterns.
She remembered her parents arguing often. Her mother felt the father did not care, did not want her, and did not participate in the relationship or the family. Sonya also remembered that her mother was the one who started these arguments and did the yelling, while her father first listened and then walked away.
Sonya’s father did not spend much time with her, but was a good financial support. When her father eventually left, he did not stay in touch. Her mother told her over and over how all men eventually lose interest and leave.
Here is what Sonya wrote for section 2:
- Father unavailable, uninterested and avoided confrontation.
- Mother argumentative and blaming.
- Father not around for me, not wanting me, leaving eventually.
- Mother told me all men lose interest and leave.
When it came to Section 3, Sonya copied out the responses from the previous sections. She came up with the following list:
- Jeff was unavailable, uninterested and argumentative.
- Ronald was unavailable and uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
- Rob was withdrawn, uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
- Father unavailable, uninterested and avoided confrontation.
- Mother argumentative and blaming.
- Father not around for me, not wanting me, leaving eventually.
- Mother told me all men lose interest and leave.
In answering the question, “What are the similarities between the hurtful behaviors of your parents and your past partners?” she noticed many similarities. For example, she noticed that all of the men, with whom she has had a significant relationship, ended up treating her the way her father treated both her and her mother. Sonya also noticed with a gasp that all of her relationships have fulfilled her mother’s prophecy.
In answering the question, “Are the behaviors opposite?”, she noticed that Jeff, her most recent relationship partner, was argumentative. In this way he was the opposite of her father and more like her mother.
Here is Sonya’s Section 3:
- Father unavailable to me and mother; I find men who are not available.
- Father was uninterested in mother and me; I find men who lose interest in me.
- Father avoided confrontation; two of the three relationships were with men who avoid confrontation.
- Father left; I attract men who eventually leave. And mother told me they would.
- A man who is argumentative is the opposite of my father, but just like my mother.
Finally, Sonya came to Section 4. What kind of a relationship pattern was she programmed for? The answered seemed obvious: exactly the kind of pattern she has been living out, where the men with whom she’s in a relationship become unavailable, lose interest and eventually leave. She is programmed to have relationships that are domed to fail because she is with partners who cannot work through the relationship for fear of confrontation.
She had to answer “yes” when asked if she was repeating her parents’ relationship pattern in her own relationships. She also had to answer “yes” when asked whether she was doing the opposite of her parents. And she realized that doing the opposite got her the same exact result.
Here is Sonya’s Section 4:
- I was programmed to have a relationship pattern where my partner will become unavailable, losing interest in me and eventually leaving.
- I am exactly repeating the pattern in my parents’ relationship.
- Sometimes I have done the opposite of my parents’ relationship, but got exactly the same result.
If you do the exercise yourself, I’m certain you’ll have some great realizations, perhaps even a sense of relief. You will better understand why you attract and are attracted to certain kinds of partners. You will understand your relationship pattern. And in understanding your pattern, you will be able to break it and break free.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com
About The Author
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you’ll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a “true love magnet(tm)!”
help@whatittakes.com
Tags: bonding, coaching, counselors, dating, inspiration, motivation, relationships, self improvement, successbonding, coaching, counselors, dating, inspiration, motivation, relationships, self improvement, successShare This